Meet morning Tracy. Morning Tracy is hopeful. She is ready to conquer the day. She has plans: swim a mile, salad for lunch, Pilates class, read 100 pages of literature, bike to the grocery story, meditate, write, clean the house, cook dinner, and catch up on all open tasks at work.  

Now meet night Tracy. Night Tracy is tired. She’s burned out and trying to forget her corporate workday. She’s hungry. She’s sore from sitting at a computer all day – sore! Night Tracy’s snack to tide her over until dinner is wine. She joins her husband for a second glass of wine after dinner, with chocolate, because she’s 5’5” and he’s 6’2” and not in menopause so surely, they have the same metabolism. Night Tracy’s therapist calls this, “hitting the fuck it button.” Night Tracy does not clean the litter box.

Morning Tracy deep cleans the litter box. She washes away the whisper of last night’s wine with organic coffee. Morning Tracy decides that she will not be drinking today. She loves to wake up early feeling good and how the ritual of stepping on the scale immediately pays off with positive results when abstaining from wine and chocolate the previous night. 

Night Tracy takes the reins around 5pm and her first order of action is to veto morning Tracy’s decision. She will be drinking today. She especially loves champagne. If that sounds bougie, Night Tracy wants you to know it’s Kirkland champagne, so, suck it. To quote her stepdaughter, she can “drink that shit like it’s soda water.” Night Tracy does not get anywhere near a scale. If she does, a cat hiss erupts from her soul. 

Morning Tracy is an optimist. She’s ready to quit her corporate job and pursue a career as a writer. She will become healthier by cutting back to the recommended 5-7 drinks a week now that it’s been proven that red wine is not actually good for heart health. 

Night Tracy scoffs at morning Tracy’s naivety. You don’t make money writing blog posts, you’ve never written fiction, and who will pay for the health insurance to cover your heart health issues from all the drinking? Night Tracy wonders when it became so hard to keep it under 5-7 drinks a week (cough*COVID*cough). 

Morning Tracy plans to shop for food to make Kris Carr recipes and prepare delicious vegan, low carb, high protein, meals for the week. This will effortlessly become her new Sunday routine. 

Night Tracy eats bread. Her husband does most of the shopping and cooking which she endlessly appreciates because if he didn’t, they would eat a lot of frozen pizza. Night Tracy regularly comes home to delicious smells in the kitchen. One of her favorite things to do is sit across from her husband while he cooks and talk about their day. This ritual goes well with a glass of wine (see paragraph 2). It is Night Tracy’s job to do the dishes after her husband has shopped, prepped, and cooked. Sometimes Night Tracy leaves the dishes for the morning because she has TV and a couch and chocolate and wine to get to. Morning Tracy thinks Night Tracy is weak when she does this. 

Morning Tracy is a self-respecting 54-year-old who, besides a few extra pounds, is healthy. She embraces the wrinkles on her face and is proud of her post-covid grey hair. 

Night Tracy is researching cosmetic surgery and Morpheus 8. She wonders why the fuck she doesn’t dye her hair anymore. She’s pretty sure she needs hormone therapy. 

Morning Tracy keeps up with current events. She reads the paper, watches PBS news, listens to NPR, and subscribes to Heather Cox Richardson’s newsletter. She subscribes to informative podcasts about writing and history. 

Night Tracy does not watch the news. She listens to romantasy novels on Audible and watches Bridgerton and The Walking Dead because the world is falling apart, and she is going to die one day, and she doesn’t want to think about that. After the recent election results, Night Tracy may resort to the Hallmark channel exclusively for the next four years. 

Morning Tracy has taken a stand against social media. She does not have a TikTok account, she removed Facebook from her phone and stopped using Twitter/X once Elon Musk bought it. 

Night Tracy regularly hits her daily Instagram screen limit and blows right past it. She loves her personalized cat-rescue/smoothie-recipe/menopause-advice/stand-up-comedy/corporate-burnout/skin-care-product algorithm.  

The optimist that is Morning Tracy and the fuck-it-button-pusher that is Night Tracy aren’t always at odds, believe it or not. In the Venn Diagram of Tracy-the-Human, their circles do overlap. They are two of the many parts that make up Tracy, who are just trying to get through the day. They overlap in their love of family, friends, writing, comedy, democracy, furry critters, walks, travel, good food, cool sneakers, college basketball, and most importantly, self. Despite their different methods, both parts are well intending and are working hard to help Tracy-the-human survive, and sometimes even thrive, in this crazy world. 

Morning Tracy would like to keep editing this essay but will close out by thanking the reader for their time and support. Night Tracy rolls her eyes at this and tells morning Tracy to get over herself while she presses the fuck it button entitled, “publish.”